I’m going to be honest, I’ve typed and retyped this article for weeks on end as I tried to find the perfect way to talk about my “life-changing” coming out story and blah, blah, blah. The truth is there is no perfect way to talk about it. It is messy, and awkward, and uncomfortable, and overall not a fun time, but I think that’s the beauty of it.
I remember liking girls all the way back to kindergarten. At the time I did not think of it as different from anyone else, but I just thought girls were pretty and wanted to hold their hands. It wasn’t until about 3rd grade when I realized that the way I felt about other girls was different than my friends. I remember seeing girls holding hands with boys on the blacktop and thinking to myself, “I wish that was me holding her hand.”
I didn’t have any words to put to how I felt, so I pushed it to the back of my brain and made myself like boys. I might have overcompensated a tiny bit by liking almost every guy in my grade, but hey, no one questioned it.
Things got a little more rocky when I hit middle school, and all my elementary school friends were going boy crazy–it was like the “Hunger Games,” but with emotionally crazy pre-teens. But surprise, there I was again caught in the middle of fitting in or being true to how I felt. It’s definitely a serious dilemma for anyone, let alone a barely 13-year-old. So of course like any confused kid would, I took online quiz after online quiz, “am I bisexual,” “how to know if you’re a lesbian,” “am I gay,” etc. Although I’m not sure how accurate they were, the quizzes gave me a definite answer which was something I hadn’t had in a long time.
After about 35 quizzes and some deep emotional repression, I was finally ready to come out as bisexual. I told my closest friends and they were all super supportive; it went better than I could have ever imagined. I was comfortable with the bisexual label until the end of 8th grade… that’s when I started to lean more towards just girls.
It took me a long time to differentiate thinking someone is beautiful and aesthetically pleasing from being sexually attracted to someone. After realizing I wasn’t sexually attracted to boys I became really nervous. I didn’t want people to think I was faking being bisexual, nor did I want to come out again.
It took me about a year to fully accept being lesbian.
I never really reannounced my sexuality in some grand way. I think people just figured it out on their own.
This process was overwhelming, confusing and so exhausting but I learned a lot from it, and I continue to learn every day. This experience is so different for everyone, but no matter your situation, I promise you your sexuality and gender identity are valid. Whenever you’re ready, our community is waiting with open arms and open hearts.