As seasons change, temperatures cool, and the air turns crisp, October is here once again. However, this is the only time where I will be 16 in October.
As I am 16, I find it hard to differentiate my current self to 15 and even 14-year-old me. I even find it difficult to see myself being different in the future. I wish I could remember all the characteristics my younger self owned and watch all the ways I've grown, which ways I've changed and remained the same. I find it hard to know the meaning of my age as all the years seem to blend. I never can truly understand the concept of my age. Maybe that is because I never felt the stereotypical experience of my age.
Usually, in movies and TV shows, 16-year-olds are depicted as free birds. They have no worries, no ties, and their whole life is centered around their friends and interests; however, for me, my life seems to only revolve around school and homework.
Emotionally, I feel young and innocent, like I am told to be as a 16-year-old, but then the same world that is telling me to be young tells me to do all of these adult-like things and act like I can handle it. I find it challenging to genuinely know what it is to be 16 and know the correct growth of a teenager with older generations forcing us into the sea of uncertainty that is known as the “real” world.
However, I can at least see the progressive growth of others on the side lines. As I watch, I can see my family and friends grow and change. I can even see people I’ve never met grow through the screen of my phone.
For example, through Billie Eilish’s annual Vanity Fair interview, viewers are able to see her grow up through the convenience of their phone screen. Every year in October since 2018, Vanity Fair has posted a video of Eilish doing an interview that is identical to the previous year in order to see her growth. In the very first clip, we are able to see her at 15 and 16. Throughout the years, we witness Eilish grow and change.
It is crazy to see her at 15 and at 22 (currently 23) put right next to each other and be able to distinctly see her progress. It is something I wish I could see for myself, to see the ways my opinions and I have changed.
Instead, I have to live through the memory of others to be reminded of who I was at a specific time.
I look at Eilish at 16 and then at myself, and I see such a difference. When I look at Eilish, I see the stereotypical 16-year-old girl who is filled with ambition and passion; however, with me, all I see is a person soon to be stuck in the 9-to-5 cycle.
I don’t understand how two people, the exact same age, in the exact same month, seem to be in totally different stages of life. However, we are not. We are both 16 years old with our lives ahead of us, and both of us are experiencing the same pressures that all 16-year-olds suffer from. Yet, when I see Eilish, I see the free bird that I strive to be. When I look at her, I can recognize that the expectations she is facing are nonsense and that she is too young to worry about all the things to come; yet, when it comes down to me, everything feels sensible.
I feel constrained by the ties of the world around me and so old despite my young bones. I can’t grasp the concept of my youth and that the age I am is still young unless it is through the eyes of someone else.
As seasons, months, and years come and go, I see growth only through others. Only if I am in the shoes of another can I feel 16 and free.
